No, This Isn't A White T-Shirt

Ahh… The effects of Global Warming are starting to show, and as the only negative effect it will have on me is swass I say: bring it on! With the weatherman showing us highs of 32˚ I have been spending quite a bit of time outside. In my spare I hang-out on the front lawn of my school soaking up the damaging rays while I chat with friends and (try to) do homework. As I was outside and the sun had direct contact with my skin I began to develop a tan. Unfortunately it wasn’t until recently that I realized I was developing what you call a “farmer’s tan.”
This would not do at all, for to achieve the highest level of sexual attractiveness my body would have to give the impression that I was very much alive, not slowly deteriorating from some new colour sucking disease. I realized (on my own) that to rid myself of this awkward look I must remove my shirt so my body would also be allowed exposure to the sunlight. Luckily my top notch bud, Brittany, had the wonderful idea of bringing sunscreen so we wouldn’t be physically harmed by the Sun’s rays. I applied some SPF 30 and lay upon the blanket to let the sun do it’s stuff. I soon thereafter remembered that I have never been able to just lay and tan because of the boredom that ensued so I hopped up and scanned the area for a means of entertainment to pass the time. The clock spun a bit faster as I found what I was looking for in a football and a group of strangers. We tossed the ball around for a while and I found that I was pretty good, despite only ever playing with a ball that would stick to my Velcro glove. Growing tired of the sport in which I was clearly superior. I searched for something a little more challenging. I would talk to girls without my regular attire (shirt), this seemed a good plan at first, unfortunately, I failed to be hit with those seven digits. This tanning thing was taking WAY longer than I had planned… But look! A soccer ball and perhaps some new friends. Macros (my new friend) and I played 2 on 2 with some other guys, needless to say, we beat them and I retired to the school for some math. The sheet I did my work on reminded me of my pigmentless (not a word) skin. I was reminded, once more, of my unappealing body after school. Immediately following my escape from my air-conditioned cage of learning I once again removed my shirt (this time for laughs, as tanning, I found out earlier is a lost cause.) A friend of mine walked with me to my car. On our way we passed many groups of fellow students who replied to my enthusiastic greetings. All except one, she sat, smoking her cigarette, out front of LCI on one of the cold concrete slabs they try to pass off as benches. “A fellow Albino”, I thought as I noticed her white features creeping out from her black shell. “Hello!” I said, my sudden attempt at verbal contact seemed to startle who I hoped to be a new friend and smoke fled, like mist, from her nostrils. Just as I was about to make my escape she spoke a language I was surprised to recognize as English. “Put a shirt on!” For fear that she did not understand the reason I was lacking in the shirt department I replied “But if I did that then I would have this Farmer’s tan forever.” She didn’t care, and if I was to get rid of this odd tan I was to do it at my home, she explained. I was not hot enough to be walking around without a shirt on. That made me wonder: does the fact, she said “not hot enough” mean that I am hot and I have just not reached the level of hotness required to be allowed to talk in public shirtless. OR is she just a bitch? I don’t know, but I will show her! Unfortunately white reflects light so I might need a little more help from you SUV drivers out there. Can you burn a little more fossil fuels I still need to get my front.

-Teck

Break a Leg! ...Of Mystery