I Look Like Me!

I spent my early years (until grade 6) in Coalhurst, a great small town, hanging out with buds whom I continue to stay fairly close with. I clocked in the most time with a guy named Adam (some know him as: Binto, The Italian Stallion or The Big Cheese.) Growing up about seven minutes away from modern culture, the person with the most access to media reigned supreme when it came to slang and knowledge about sex. With Adam’s American satellite and my being one of the first people to get dial-up in Coalhurst, we had the advantage in any confrontation that involved smack-talk or “Battling”.

“Yeah! Whatever Andrew! Why don’t you just go jerk-off somewhere!?”
“Yeah! And play with yourself while you’re at it you loser!”
“…Terry, jerking off and playing with yourself are the same thing…”

Yes, we were the kings of the playground but my thirst for power didn’t end there. I was cool, but I wasn’t cool enough. Sure, I watched South-Park and had a Pokèmon card lifting op, but the poster of Hanson on my wall and the fact that I cried every time I lost in four-square were bringing me down. I was going to have to give some things up if I was to be cool in the minds of the older kids as well.
It was a seemingly difficult task until one day, when riding my bike past the outdoor roller-rink, a tennis-ball landed in front of me. I quickly jumped off of my bike and tossed the ball to the older guys playing hockey.

“Thanks Dude!”

There it was, the one thing I desired, I was finally accepted by the older kids. Granted, because we were so far behind in slang it wouldn’t be until the next day’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers episode that I would realize he was recognizing me as a comrade and not as a man who dresses flashily (although, either would suffice.) This guy was going to be my key to the cooler older kids. He would tell all of his friends how I threw him the ball and they would hoist me on their shoulders and chant “Dude! Dude! Dude!” (as they would not yet know my name.)
The move to Lethbridge was the next thing on my plate and with my recent assimilation into the cool culture of Coalhurst I felt more than prepared.
It wasn’t until my first few steps into Hamilton Junior High that I realized I would have to start all over again. The kids here must all have American satellite and the Internet! I thought.

“Hey Derek! You Scrub!”

What does that mean! I wouldn’t dare ask, what I would do is watch them. I would need Quiksilver shirts, Bootlegger jeans and a prayer that the hockey guy told someone about me.

It turns out that the hockey guy hadn’t said a word but it didn’t stop me from crawling up the social ladder. Six years after my introduction to the Lethbian culture I now have more friends than I could ever ask for. I’m a success Mom! Or am I?
A couple of weeks ago on my way to work I looked in the mirror and found that I looked like me, I had forgotten to do my hair. I quickly realized that if I hadn’t done my hair I hadn’t shaved, brushed my teeth or put on deodorant. What was I going to do? I was going to stink and look like an idiot for the entire day. The panic subsided shortly after walking into the bluish hell, it was then I noticed what I had been doing for so long, what had gotten me all of my friends. Conformity. The epiphany completely changed my outlook on things and putting on the blue vest labeled me as a slave to the man. I was doomed to go out on the floor and answer the questions asked of me by people who’s compliance made me sick. All I was able to think about for the next eight hours was inventing a time machine¹ so the day would go by faster and how I could stop conforming.
My weeklong visit to Nelson, B.C. only fueled my urge to defy the norm. The “Hippies” with their hair in dreads, ripped shirts and feathers in their hair helped me realize how many others have seen the light and joined the non-conformist culture.
Fact: The non-conformist culture has been brought to arms by three musical acts: 2 Live Crew, DMX and Hoof and Mouth Disease Nineteen-Tweleve.


2 Live Crew began the movement in 1985 with their single “Revelation”, however, they didn’t really take off until the release of their album “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” which contained such face-smashing hits as: “Me So Horny”, “The Fuck Shop” and “Get the Fuck out of My House.”
Not only was their distaste for the cultural norm put forth with the use of a slang term being used in the title of their CD they also went after the American government (who was banning their music) by putting out the song “Banned in the U.S.A." Some believe NWA to be the originators of counter-conformity however it was a full year after 2 Live Crew that NWA came “Straight Outta Compton”² proving that NWA was simply trying to cash in on this natural phenomenon.

The next artist to truly ride the metaphorical norm-hating wave was Earl Simmons who hit the scene in 1991with an album titled “DMX: Unleashed and Unreleased”³ His main F-U to the world is put forth in his constant barking that is taken seriously by all who respect “Dark Man X”.



The final group with the most distaste for culture began in January 2006 and performed for their first time at a School Yard Rocks event in the Lethbridge Collegiate Institute⁴. Their name, Hoof and Mouth Disease Nineteen-Tweleve, was brought about by the highly contagious viral disease of cattle and pigs. Wayne Young (the least attractive one of the group) represented the hoof (a very ugly part of cows and an equally unattractive word) and Shawni Shinbashi (easily the most beautiful of the two) represented the mouth (a very beautiful part of the human body as well as a symbol of love.) The words “Hoof” and “Mouth” show the diversity that exists in the world not to mention the bands loathing of American culture. The year Nineteen-Tweleve⁵ is a reference to the year Young’s oldest known relative fled China because of his distaste for the decision to establish China as a republic on January 1st.
The group has so much contempt for everything popular and liked that upon their quick rise to fame in the Lethbridge area they made the decision to go their separate ways in a final F-U to all their fans⁶.



1. What we never really think about when conjuring up a plan to invent a time-machine so that work at Wal-Mart will go faster is that: If we actually invented a time-machine, we would be so rich, that we wouldn’t have to work at all.

2. Notice the gratuitous use of the slang term “Outta”, an obvious rip off of 2 Live Crew’s “Wanna”.

3. The alliteration soon thereafter became a symbol of the non-conformist group.

4. During this event Wayne Young reportedly threw his microphone at an audience member wearing a Beatles shirt and shouted “The Beatles fuckin' suck now take that shirt off and burn it or we stop playing!” The audience member is said to have taken said shirt off and started it on fire with the candle at his table.

5. Spelt incorrectly to once again illustrate the group’s hatred for everything “normal.”

6. Although this was their last statement to the world Wayne Young, a English speaking male of Chinese origin, has chosen to move to a French-speaking Canadian province (Quebec) in a final attempt to one up his counter-conformist ex-band mate.

-Teck

Gays and Lesbians are the ultimate anti-conformists