Teachers n' Pedophiles

I am able to write this because my English teacher recently wrote me the following e-mail canceling my class for the day:

Hello, everyone.

I need a day to get this accursed thesis proofread, printed, and expedited: so I'm calling a snow day.
Please complete the readings for both today and Friday as scheduled. I will see you all on Friday.
I'll be in my office for most of today if you have any emergency questions.
Sorry to do this. But it'll put the hizzle in my fashizzle.

See you Friday,

Mr. P, fool!

I love him… His ability to bring relevant lessons to class and keep them interesting with his humour makes University a lot easier than everyone’s been threatening it to be. It amazes me (and excites me, as my major is currently Drama Ed.) how, by being a teacher, you are somehow made funnier.¹ I guess it’s just one of those co(s)mic mysteries and when someone figures it out I’ll find out why a grandma doing the robot is so hilarious.
It seems unfunny teachers somehow got wind of this and have decided to give being funny a shot.

I-T-‘-S means, “it is,” so what you’re really saying is: the dog played with it is ball! Haha!

When a teacher, who is not particularly funny is trying to be funny, their attempt often turns into embarrassment (ex. In grade 8, on Halloween day, my math teacher (who was (and I imagine still is) not particularly funny) dressed up as a denominator. Which was basically an 8 with a line under it strapped onto her head. A hilarious costume, and if she were a teacher who was regularly funny we might have laughed with her. Instead, the laughter was held to the end of the class at which time we walked around mimicking her; yelling “I’m the denominator” and striking a body-builder pose.²
There are also those teachers who are not aware of their hilarity. Maybe there’s a teacher who always leaves his fly open. Or a teacher who lives and breathes Social Studies. But it seems more often, the teacher who fits in this category is the creeper. I’ve sat in many a creeper class. But, lucky for me, I’m not a girl; so I didn’t really have to deal with their advances too much; I just witnessed them.³ Most of the occasions weren’t too bad. Usually it’s just an old teacher who hasn’t been sweet-talked by a teenager in 30 years, so when a teenage flirts with them it’s a very happy day.
I don’t think any of the teachers were actually planning on doing anything. And it’s unfortunate that there are people out there who are into that kinda thing. In fact, there are too many who are into stuff like that. So many that, when searching for “Defrag” a couple of days ago (on a site that is the host to programs and videos) the site offered me a suggestion: “Did you mean: Underage?” This really made me think: If there are this many people who are into “underage” what ever it is,⁴ that it actually assumes I’ve spelt it wrong and is going to help me find it: how many pedophiles are there in the world? And, how many are being kept off the streets and off the kids because of the Internet? If one kid has to take it for the team so that millions can be satisfied, I think that’s just the way it’s gotta be…

1. Have you noticed how everything seems funnier under water too? The middle finger, in our culture, is taken as an insult; however, when you give someone the finger underwater, it’s made funny…I just thought that was weird.

2. I have been working on this piece for a very long time; in between deliveries, in between classes, and in classes. Every once in a while I’ll witness something I want to put in but I can’t really fit it in to what I’m writing about. This is me cheating the fluidity of the piece and talking about one such thing: At about 12 O’clock on Monday, Wednesday and, Friday afternoon there is a water aerobics class that takes place in the pool. There are two teachers for this class: The first one is a nice, blond, soccer mom type who really encourages everyone to do their best. And the second instructor is a very scary lady who yells “PUSH IT!” at least once a minute. If you happen to have some free time here at the University, I highly suggest you come and check it out; you’ll certainly find me there.
Something very few people realize is that this particular aerobics class is free for every University Student. If you’ve got a card, you are hereby invited to get yelled at!

3. A very (inadvertently) hilarious teacher of mine has given me many great stories:

A paper ball gets thrown at the teacher’s head when he is writing on the board
-Hey! Who threw that! Looks at Michelle …Oh Michelle, you’re such a kidder.
-It wasn’t me, it was James.
-James! Go down to the officcccccceeee!

He didn’t stalk the girls, (he wasn’t walking around noticing that there were girls whose hair smelled like strawberries) but his love for flirting with them really boosted certain girls’ average. One day a girl in class went up to our teacher in an attempt to get out of doing her news report at the beginning of class. Hilarity ensues:

-Hey! Those are really nice boots!
-Thanks…They’re shark!
-Listen, I didn’t get around to my news report can I do it some other time?
-Oh yeah, no problem! So ya like my boots eh?

4. We are assuming it’s porn.

-Teck


I'm in Luck!