Knock on Wood

This relationship has been going on for quite some time. For eight months we’ve been conversing and, although it seems like quite a one-sided discussion, I feel as if our relationship has only gotten stronger. It doesn’t bother me that we sometimes lack that spark and spice we had early on in the relationship because they have been replaced with deeper feelings (not to mention better writing.) Now, I think we both know that there’s a reason I’m saying all of this. Don’t worry; I’m not breaking up with you or anything. It just bothers me that even though we still occasionally have a great time, most of our get-togethers suffer from a lack of variety and thought provoking experiences. So I have taken certain steps that I hope will ensure a great future for the both of us:

I am enrolled in Writing 1000(B if you care) at the University of Lethbridge. This should ensure that I won't have to right click words like “I” and “although”, to select “synonyms” and find a word to impress you, because this course will provide me the know-how to impress you using simple tricks.
ex. :D

I am joining the Theatre Arts Society (a club at the UofL), in which I hope to be the representative for the first-years (ever since Harry Potter, “first-years” has never sounded the same.) This will (hopefully) get my foot in the door to many new and exciting Drama (which is my major) experiences. I also hear from my good “Stella-Loving” friend Adam Beauchesne that I “will meet some great new people and have an awesome time!”¹

The third reason it won’t pain you to revisit is after two years of saying “Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be around here much longer” and not doing anything about it I’ve decided that Wal-Mart, and its constant monotony, must be left behind. I have experienced many interesting events at that place, many of which I have written about, but I think I’ve sucked the place dry of ideas and a new, higher paying, workplace is in order.

The fourth and final boost to the site could in essence be bottled into one with the first and second reason. School begins on September 6^th and with it begins my adult life (this sentence alone could have its own blog.) I’ll be meeting new people, starting a new routine and, most importantly, I’ll be forced into society, a place loaded with stories just waiting to be posted on the internet.

All in all I would say I’m very excited to start University, not just so I can meet people and not just so that my path to becoming a drama teacher will be furthered but also because people will stop saying “So, going to Uni this fall?” If by “uni” you mean “university” then, yes, I am… Now stop calling it “uni” you’re going into Post-Secondary for Beelzebub’s sake!


-Teck

I wonder if University Hall is going to be one giant Mormon Hallway...


1. He didn’t actually say this, I just couldn’t think of anything original to say so I thought I would make it look like he said it in hopes of not contributing to the over use of the words “great”, “awesome" and “people” on this website. But, I guess after all this I’ve said it once more than I would have.

I Look Like Me!

I spent my early years (until grade 6) in Coalhurst, a great small town, hanging out with buds whom I continue to stay fairly close with. I clocked in the most time with a guy named Adam (some know him as: Binto, The Italian Stallion or The Big Cheese.) Growing up about seven minutes away from modern culture, the person with the most access to media reigned supreme when it came to slang and knowledge about sex. With Adam’s American satellite and my being one of the first people to get dial-up in Coalhurst, we had the advantage in any confrontation that involved smack-talk or “Battling”.

“Yeah! Whatever Andrew! Why don’t you just go jerk-off somewhere!?”
“Yeah! And play with yourself while you’re at it you loser!”
“…Terry, jerking off and playing with yourself are the same thing…”

Yes, we were the kings of the playground but my thirst for power didn’t end there. I was cool, but I wasn’t cool enough. Sure, I watched South-Park and had a Pokèmon card lifting op, but the poster of Hanson on my wall and the fact that I cried every time I lost in four-square were bringing me down. I was going to have to give some things up if I was to be cool in the minds of the older kids as well.
It was a seemingly difficult task until one day, when riding my bike past the outdoor roller-rink, a tennis-ball landed in front of me. I quickly jumped off of my bike and tossed the ball to the older guys playing hockey.

“Thanks Dude!”

There it was, the one thing I desired, I was finally accepted by the older kids. Granted, because we were so far behind in slang it wouldn’t be until the next day’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers episode that I would realize he was recognizing me as a comrade and not as a man who dresses flashily (although, either would suffice.) This guy was going to be my key to the cooler older kids. He would tell all of his friends how I threw him the ball and they would hoist me on their shoulders and chant “Dude! Dude! Dude!” (as they would not yet know my name.)
The move to Lethbridge was the next thing on my plate and with my recent assimilation into the cool culture of Coalhurst I felt more than prepared.
It wasn’t until my first few steps into Hamilton Junior High that I realized I would have to start all over again. The kids here must all have American satellite and the Internet! I thought.

“Hey Derek! You Scrub!”

What does that mean! I wouldn’t dare ask, what I would do is watch them. I would need Quiksilver shirts, Bootlegger jeans and a prayer that the hockey guy told someone about me.

It turns out that the hockey guy hadn’t said a word but it didn’t stop me from crawling up the social ladder. Six years after my introduction to the Lethbian culture I now have more friends than I could ever ask for. I’m a success Mom! Or am I?
A couple of weeks ago on my way to work I looked in the mirror and found that I looked like me, I had forgotten to do my hair. I quickly realized that if I hadn’t done my hair I hadn’t shaved, brushed my teeth or put on deodorant. What was I going to do? I was going to stink and look like an idiot for the entire day. The panic subsided shortly after walking into the bluish hell, it was then I noticed what I had been doing for so long, what had gotten me all of my friends. Conformity. The epiphany completely changed my outlook on things and putting on the blue vest labeled me as a slave to the man. I was doomed to go out on the floor and answer the questions asked of me by people who’s compliance made me sick. All I was able to think about for the next eight hours was inventing a time machine¹ so the day would go by faster and how I could stop conforming.
My weeklong visit to Nelson, B.C. only fueled my urge to defy the norm. The “Hippies” with their hair in dreads, ripped shirts and feathers in their hair helped me realize how many others have seen the light and joined the non-conformist culture.
Fact: The non-conformist culture has been brought to arms by three musical acts: 2 Live Crew, DMX and Hoof and Mouth Disease Nineteen-Tweleve.


2 Live Crew began the movement in 1985 with their single “Revelation”, however, they didn’t really take off until the release of their album “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” which contained such face-smashing hits as: “Me So Horny”, “The Fuck Shop” and “Get the Fuck out of My House.”
Not only was their distaste for the cultural norm put forth with the use of a slang term being used in the title of their CD they also went after the American government (who was banning their music) by putting out the song “Banned in the U.S.A." Some believe NWA to be the originators of counter-conformity however it was a full year after 2 Live Crew that NWA came “Straight Outta Compton”² proving that NWA was simply trying to cash in on this natural phenomenon.

The next artist to truly ride the metaphorical norm-hating wave was Earl Simmons who hit the scene in 1991with an album titled “DMX: Unleashed and Unreleased”³ His main F-U to the world is put forth in his constant barking that is taken seriously by all who respect “Dark Man X”.



The final group with the most distaste for culture began in January 2006 and performed for their first time at a School Yard Rocks event in the Lethbridge Collegiate Institute⁴. Their name, Hoof and Mouth Disease Nineteen-Tweleve, was brought about by the highly contagious viral disease of cattle and pigs. Wayne Young (the least attractive one of the group) represented the hoof (a very ugly part of cows and an equally unattractive word) and Shawni Shinbashi (easily the most beautiful of the two) represented the mouth (a very beautiful part of the human body as well as a symbol of love.) The words “Hoof” and “Mouth” show the diversity that exists in the world not to mention the bands loathing of American culture. The year Nineteen-Tweleve⁵ is a reference to the year Young’s oldest known relative fled China because of his distaste for the decision to establish China as a republic on January 1st.
The group has so much contempt for everything popular and liked that upon their quick rise to fame in the Lethbridge area they made the decision to go their separate ways in a final F-U to all their fans⁶.



1. What we never really think about when conjuring up a plan to invent a time-machine so that work at Wal-Mart will go faster is that: If we actually invented a time-machine, we would be so rich, that we wouldn’t have to work at all.

2. Notice the gratuitous use of the slang term “Outta”, an obvious rip off of 2 Live Crew’s “Wanna”.

3. The alliteration soon thereafter became a symbol of the non-conformist group.

4. During this event Wayne Young reportedly threw his microphone at an audience member wearing a Beatles shirt and shouted “The Beatles fuckin' suck now take that shirt off and burn it or we stop playing!” The audience member is said to have taken said shirt off and started it on fire with the candle at his table.

5. Spelt incorrectly to once again illustrate the group’s hatred for everything “normal.”

6. Although this was their last statement to the world Wayne Young, a English speaking male of Chinese origin, has chosen to move to a French-speaking Canadian province (Quebec) in a final attempt to one up his counter-conformist ex-band mate.

-Teck

Gays and Lesbians are the ultimate anti-conformists

I Know...

I'm quite busy this day. There are matters I must attend to and as such the post will be tomorrow. I am sorry to those of you who look forward to it and I know it has been two weeks but I will make it up to you on Friday. I love you!

-Teck

Yeah, but he was all covered in dirt...

Cam n' D-Unit

My Brother IS Spider-Man

Culture Shock

The culture shock I experienced in Europe in April of 2006 had worn off by the time I began writing again. But, last Friday, when a few of the many relatives I have in the UK came to Lethbridge they had brought that familiar feeling with them. The strange feeling of driving on the wrong side of the road, the new coins and bills to fumble with at the till and knowing that you’re going to end up saying “I had no idea” at least once a day. In the few hours I spent with my cousins I didn’t know existed, I probably repeated the phrase “I had no idea” at least twenty times. We took them to Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, a movie I’m sure almost all of you have heard of if not seen, and it turns out they hadn’t even heard of Will Ferrell. In the discussions that went on before and after the movie I discovered many more things about the UK: They are far ahead of us in the “Now” CD collection which is currently at number 64 (This is very shocking to me since I believe we are on something like 20.) They see a new Now CD about every three months where as we get them about once a year we should be calling the CDs “Then.” There has been a group labeled as Chavs springing up since 2004, basically they’re a group who wear knock-off designer clothing and flashy “bling” such as hoop earrings or necklaces with their initials on them. They also, according to my cousin Stacey, seem to be in the works of making a new language using slang terms for every day words like “mush” for a male. Sounds kind of like A Clockwork Orange. I also found out that the reason for their visit is mainly to scope out a place to live. Prices in Britain have risen to an amazing high and one bedroom flats are in the $300, 000 range. You had no idea. Very few people can afford to go to post-secondary education and out of the ones who do; many drop-out early because they can’t finish paying for it. All of them, aside from my 15-year-old cousin Jodie (she doesn’t want to leave her friends (neither would I) and she would only have one year of school left if she stayed), are very excited to come and we’re very excited to have them, right Canada!? Right!
It was very cool to be on the other side of the culture shock for a change. And it just adds to the desire I have to visit even more of the world especially Britain. The only culture shock I get here is every once in a while when I stumble upon a Nexopian. I swear I’ll kill the next person who asks “Got Nex?” No, I don’t have Nex(opia), I don’t need to spend my days talking about what my likes and dislikes are, how old I am or if I’m “single and looking.” Now if you’ll excuse me I have to finish filling out my “Hates” section at the only normal site on the internet.
Got Vampire Freaks?

-Teck

I'm Wayne Young on a Jet Plane...


P.S. I'm gonna be hittin' up Nelson, B.C. next week from Monday to Monday and as such I will not be able to post anything on the 17th. This is good for me because as much as I love writing, posting every Thursday can sometimes seem like a chore. So hopefully this will give me some time to think about what I want to say and how to say it. Until then I give you this to think about.

What’s My Age Again?

Excuse him; he’s just unsure about something over in the next aisle. If Debbie could simply follow him to where the problem is occurring and explain everything, it will be greatly appreciated. Debbie tags along until they reach their final destination, about 15 feet from where she was so rudely interrupted. The customer then asks Debbie a question she has been answering all day: A question that could have been answered 15 feet away: “Do you have any more of these?”
The answer Debbie has and will always give in a situation like this is “If there aren’t any on the shelf then we’re sold out, sorry.” She holds in something she has wished to say for a very long time ("If I had more they would be on the shelf and if you weren’t such an idiot it wouldn’t pain me to add that last word!”) and waits for the “Okay, thanks anyways” of a shattered soul as it departs. But something is different, this guy isn’t leaving, he really wants this desk and if he doesn’t get it he will cause a scene Debbie has never witnessed. “I’m very sorry” Debbie says “but I don’t have any more desks to give out, you’ll have to come back later.” The man eyes fill with tears and he falls to the floor kicking and screaming, “I want the desk! Give me the desk! I hate you!”
“Get up!” Debbie yells. The man frantically explains to Debbie between sobs that she is not his Mom and she can’t tell him what to do. “How old are you?” Debbie asks. The man flashes all ten fingers three times and then holds up two fingers on his right hand. “Then act like it!” Debbie scolds.

Debbie agrees with me that age shouldn’t define maturity; unfortunately, intellectual development cannot be measured at the door of a bar or a movie. As it stands, some people with the intelligence of a rock are allowed to drink massive amounts of alcohol and purchase weapons because they were born 18 or more years ago. They can go and see “R” rated movies and are assumed to be bright enough to understand the consequences of buying that pack of cigarettes. It is a shame in many cases that so many idiots are given this kind of freedom simply for defying the odds and staying alive for 18 years. As it stands, however, the law states that once you have reached the age of majority (18 or 21) you are considered an adult and are afforded such privileges.

A few days ago I was asked if I consider myself a boy or a man. I believe myself to be a young man, but if forced to choose between the two, I would have to say a boy; I’ll be a boy until I’m 35. At which time I will most likely be told to grow-up by a girlfriend or a psychiatrist, whomever I’m seeing at the time; forced through the door I always thought was labeled with a synonym for boring. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I will poke my head through the door labeled “adulthood” in exactly a month and one week to see a group that I won’t mind spending the rest of my life in.
I’ll admit after spending so long in different variations of the group “child” with a “male” side-group I have been a little bit worried about being exposed to a different environment since I first got moved from the kids table. Being exposed to the “female” side-group more and more over the years just fuels my anxiety. I think many of us would be shocked if they saw how the opposite sex acted when others aren’t around. Okay, so they might not be shocked but I’m sure there would be a few reinforced stereotypes. I witnessed a poor two-year-old girl’s violent shove into the male culture first hand in a men’s bathroom.

A father had brought his daughter into the washroom so she could do her business. The business, it seemed, had been attended to by the time I entered and I could see her cute little white shoes were closer to the stall door than her fathers. I admired the little pink ribbon on the child’s shoes patiently waiting for the bigger brown shoes to finish their business. Both parties accomplished what they had planned to, and as if to ice the cake the father let out a thunderous fart. It was an emission that, if followed by anything other than the father’s angel shouting “Yuck!” wouldn’t be as sweet. The only thing that could possibly add to it was the dad’s very confused “What?!”
Most of the time we don’t realize what we’ve done wrong when someone from a different group gives us heck for it. But when I reluctantly step through the door labeled “adulthood” on September 10th maybe I can find out why they’ve been telling me to act my age for so long.

-Teck

I never get in trouble for acting older…