Teachers n' Pedophiles

I am able to write this because my English teacher recently wrote me the following e-mail canceling my class for the day:

Hello, everyone.

I need a day to get this accursed thesis proofread, printed, and expedited: so I'm calling a snow day.
Please complete the readings for both today and Friday as scheduled. I will see you all on Friday.
I'll be in my office for most of today if you have any emergency questions.
Sorry to do this. But it'll put the hizzle in my fashizzle.

See you Friday,

Mr. P, fool!

I love him… His ability to bring relevant lessons to class and keep them interesting with his humour makes University a lot easier than everyone’s been threatening it to be. It amazes me (and excites me, as my major is currently Drama Ed.) how, by being a teacher, you are somehow made funnier.¹ I guess it’s just one of those co(s)mic mysteries and when someone figures it out I’ll find out why a grandma doing the robot is so hilarious.
It seems unfunny teachers somehow got wind of this and have decided to give being funny a shot.

I-T-‘-S means, “it is,” so what you’re really saying is: the dog played with it is ball! Haha!

When a teacher, who is not particularly funny is trying to be funny, their attempt often turns into embarrassment (ex. In grade 8, on Halloween day, my math teacher (who was (and I imagine still is) not particularly funny) dressed up as a denominator. Which was basically an 8 with a line under it strapped onto her head. A hilarious costume, and if she were a teacher who was regularly funny we might have laughed with her. Instead, the laughter was held to the end of the class at which time we walked around mimicking her; yelling “I’m the denominator” and striking a body-builder pose.²
There are also those teachers who are not aware of their hilarity. Maybe there’s a teacher who always leaves his fly open. Or a teacher who lives and breathes Social Studies. But it seems more often, the teacher who fits in this category is the creeper. I’ve sat in many a creeper class. But, lucky for me, I’m not a girl; so I didn’t really have to deal with their advances too much; I just witnessed them.³ Most of the occasions weren’t too bad. Usually it’s just an old teacher who hasn’t been sweet-talked by a teenager in 30 years, so when a teenage flirts with them it’s a very happy day.
I don’t think any of the teachers were actually planning on doing anything. And it’s unfortunate that there are people out there who are into that kinda thing. In fact, there are too many who are into stuff like that. So many that, when searching for “Defrag” a couple of days ago (on a site that is the host to programs and videos) the site offered me a suggestion: “Did you mean: Underage?” This really made me think: If there are this many people who are into “underage” what ever it is,⁴ that it actually assumes I’ve spelt it wrong and is going to help me find it: how many pedophiles are there in the world? And, how many are being kept off the streets and off the kids because of the Internet? If one kid has to take it for the team so that millions can be satisfied, I think that’s just the way it’s gotta be…

1. Have you noticed how everything seems funnier under water too? The middle finger, in our culture, is taken as an insult; however, when you give someone the finger underwater, it’s made funny…I just thought that was weird.

2. I have been working on this piece for a very long time; in between deliveries, in between classes, and in classes. Every once in a while I’ll witness something I want to put in but I can’t really fit it in to what I’m writing about. This is me cheating the fluidity of the piece and talking about one such thing: At about 12 O’clock on Monday, Wednesday and, Friday afternoon there is a water aerobics class that takes place in the pool. There are two teachers for this class: The first one is a nice, blond, soccer mom type who really encourages everyone to do their best. And the second instructor is a very scary lady who yells “PUSH IT!” at least once a minute. If you happen to have some free time here at the University, I highly suggest you come and check it out; you’ll certainly find me there.
Something very few people realize is that this particular aerobics class is free for every University Student. If you’ve got a card, you are hereby invited to get yelled at!

3. A very (inadvertently) hilarious teacher of mine has given me many great stories:

A paper ball gets thrown at the teacher’s head when he is writing on the board
-Hey! Who threw that! Looks at Michelle …Oh Michelle, you’re such a kidder.
-It wasn’t me, it was James.
-James! Go down to the officcccccceeee!

He didn’t stalk the girls, (he wasn’t walking around noticing that there were girls whose hair smelled like strawberries) but his love for flirting with them really boosted certain girls’ average. One day a girl in class went up to our teacher in an attempt to get out of doing her news report at the beginning of class. Hilarity ensues:

-Hey! Those are really nice boots!
-Thanks…They’re shark!
-Listen, I didn’t get around to my news report can I do it some other time?
-Oh yeah, no problem! So ya like my boots eh?

4. We are assuming it’s porn.

-Teck


I'm in Luck!

How much?

This is the first time in 3 weeks I have even tried to write something (outside of academic essays). It seems every other time I post, it’s me saying, “sorry, I’ve been really busy; I’m sure I’ll be posting a lot more though.” I’m really sick of saying that. I do want to post, I am just too concentrated on school, and things I feel fit in the very small keep to myself category (a category that barely exists).
In fact, the keep to myself category only exists when it comes to “Let’s Talk Teck.” Anyone could come up to me and ask me any question they want (even if it would make me blush) and I, more than likely, will answer it truthfully. Maybe you think I’m crazy for this; I know quite a few people who would join you in that frame of mind. I see no need to hide anything; granted, there are certain things if not hidden might get me in a bit of trouble or might turn some people off of me.¹
If something has thrilled, confused or depressed me, I immediately find someone to talk to. I can’t hold it in or it will slowly eat me alive. I will go over it constantly and my mood, will stick with me until it’s off my mind.
With so many people being amazed at my inability to keep things in it makes me wonder how few people are with me in this state of mind. Is anyone with me? Are the people who were very recently strangers scared by the discussion of my personal life in our first conversation?
I’ve made it a bit of a goal to meet as many cool people as I can because I’m the kind of person who likes to be with friends constantly. And knowing more people just makes my goal that much easier. At times, I like to surprise people who don’t know me with a good ol’ “Hi, I’m Terry!” Unfortunately, there are those who cannot be disturbed in their life of seriousness, to respond nicely². On September 10th I was very drunk – I’m not telling you this to make you think I’m cool (“Whoa he gets drunk!”) but if I don’t tell you, you will be confused why I’m acting the way I am in this story – a few of my friends and I went to the Blarney Stone for my birthday. It’s funny y’know, the more tequila you get in you, the better you can dance. At least that was the case on this particular Sunday. I was dancing up a storm and I noticed that I wasn’t alone; a guy (clearly gay (not just because he was dancing)) happened to be dancing by himself (he was doing the robot, with the foot shuffle. Very advanced stuff.) So I went to join him and he responded by physically pushing me away. How can someone be so rude? How do you know, aside from my dance moves clearly mocking you, that I’m not trying to pick you up? You’re clearly gay and I’m not a bad looking guy; but that’s neither here nor there. My point is, I would appreciate it if some people would take the sticks out of their asses.
In other (more pleasant) cases I run into those who have respect for mankind. They will play along with my joke or participate in a conversation with me. A joke is usually how it starts; so you can only imagine how excited I was when I heard a girl, standing on the corner, say to someone on the phone “Yeah, I’m just standing outside, walking around like a prostitute.” Oh how badly I wanted to make a new friend.

Hey sweetie! How much?


1. I’m writing in between delivering pizzas for Pizza Hut. On my last delivery, I misread the receipt and brought a can of Diet Pepsi instead of a 2-litre. I told the lady who answered the door that I was going to go back to “base” and bring one back for her because she said her kids wanted their Diet Pepsi. What I didn’t realize was how much her kids wanted the pop; upon my re-arrival I came upon a boy at about 5 years of age who, on sight of me, yelled, “It’s here!” He did a little dance and I handed him the Diet Pepsi. I only hope he drank the entire thing before his Mom realized what happened. (If you hear of a kid dying from drinking a 2-litre of pop, let me know. I imagine it’s quite rare, I just would like to know if I was an accessory in something like that…)

2. Even when I don’t approach someone with a “Hi, I’m Terry!” there are those who have a tendency to be, what many people would refer to as, bitches.
The other day, my friend Alix and I were trying to find somewhere to sit in the “pool observation deck” (or so we call it), it being quite full (and us having something private to talk about), we weren’t sure where to sit. Standing, wondering whether or not to take a seat we were rushed to a decision by just such a bitch, “Are you gonna sit there or what!?” The sudden attack really made me wonder what makes a person so inconsiderate. People like that chick, and whoever the hell invented Crazy Frog³ make me freakin’ sick. Don’t be that person.

3. If you are someone who regularly listens to Crazy Frog, or you are friends someone who knows someone that listens to Crazy Frog. I must ask, what the hell is wrong with you? If you need to listen to perfectly fine songs (in most cases) being ruined, I hate to do it, but I ask you to show slightly more self-respect and just listen to Weird Al…⁴

4. Yes, I just used a footnote in a footnote. I take it back, don’t listen to either of them.

-Teck

Love ya Jesse!